I woke up to sun shining in my window and instead of thinking, “ugh, not another day, how the hell am I going to get through this” I thought to myself, “God thank you for waking me up today. Thank you for blessing my day off with beautiful sunshine and thank you for allowing me to spend it with my precious girl.” 

It’s almost petrifying how my mindset can change within hours. I felt so hopeless, hurt, abandoned, and like giving up last night. And today? I’m like summer classes? PSHHH. Give me a damn challenge. Summer classes with 2 jobs and a toddler. Okay let’s stop there! I’ve been listening to this song “Won’t Let Up” by Papa Roach and one line goes, Keep your head up even when the world won’t let up. 

I’ve never completely hit rock bottom but I’ve skimmed the top enough to know that it’s not some place I want to be. I’ve been taking for granted a shit ton people, opportunities, and gifts. It was only a matter of time before things caught up to me. So this is me taking responsibility for the way my life has turned out. For the relationships I’ve let fade, for the people I used, for the stupid arguments that lasted way too long, for all the times I’ve ditched, was ungrateful or unappreciative. For failing an entire year of college and for taking these past two months away from the gym. I’ve been lazy, afraid of hard work, afraid of being alone, and EXHAUSTED WITH WORRY. If I realized anything in the past 2 years its that I NEED to be doing something. I need to be busy and occupied. I am not a simple minded person. I could have the most complex brain on this planet. I’m constantly thinking, calculating, observing, assuming, dreaming, you name it my mind is doing it and sometimes all at once! I’ve been working hard this semester but not nearly enough. And yes, I’ve been very selfish. The world is filled with millions of people, people who need love, attention, a source of hope and inspiration and someone to push them. Life is not about you- if a friend needs a shoulder to cry on you shouldn’t think well how is this going to make ME happy? And if your boyfriends back is beyond fucked up and the only slight remedy is to go to town on it for a half hour, til your fingers are throbbing and aching and wont bend, then DO IT. Do it because it will alleviate his pain, and maybe lighten his day. And if your little girl wants you to talk on the phone with Justin Bieber, YOU BETTER DO IT. Because she needs to know that you love her and will give her the attention she deserves. I could write a book on the insights I have right now. It’s not my intention to enlighten the world, I want to write these down and come back to this post anytime I have a SMIDGE of doubt, of hopelessness, regret, or feel like giving up. I’m plotting a devious plan to stop myself before I can ever start wallowing over my life, my past, or my future. And if you have any ideas, LET ME KNOW. 

Since we live and America, I’ll take full advantage of my ‘freedom of speech’ in a long awaited, opinionated- factual, aggravated rant.

For one thing, its finally sunny out and WARM here in the multiple- personality region we call New England. I was ecstatic to have woken up at 6 in the morning with sun beaming through my window! I woke up happy, energized, and excited about my day. And then, in as many ways possible my mood was bitch slapped down, stomped on into the muddy mushy melting snow, and was told to stay down. Being the rebel I am, I had to fight the urge of letting a few hand prints and mud keep me from enjoying this day. Although my mood has lifted, I still remain annoyed, frustrated, confused, and disappointment with people and things in this crazy fucking beautiful world. I can feel knots forming in my back as I think of some of them. So I’m taking the baggage off of my exhausted conscience and gracing you- social media- with its delight. 

 Lets begin by saying, today, this very Saturday, marks the end of week two where I’ve worked 40 hours a week. And before any of you get the satisfaction of belching “SO WHAT?” “Welcome to my world” “You and every other person in this country” No, I don’t care. I know I’m not the only one and no I’m not even complaining. I am damn well proud, and satisfied with the luscious amount of money that will be deposited in my deficient bank account this week. My point being, I worked 40 hours- how I made it to the gym even once is a miracle. Even after exasperating all my support and babysitters, I still managed to find time, find rides, find sitters, and get my ass to the gym. There’s a quote I’m trying to think of but can’t frackin find, so I’ll grace you with another; If it’s important to you, YOU WILL FIND A WAY. If not, you’ll find an excuse. 

Nutrition has become the biggest pain in the a$$!!!!!! for me lately. I’m like transitioning into Paleo but I’m not, cause I don’t fully understand what it’s restrictions are, or I eat something without even thinking about what it really is, or I’m eating shit because society says its good for you even though it allows shit to eek into your bloodsteam…. don’t ask, rather google that shit. Or I don’t have money for meat, so I’m stuffing my face with eggs, and I’m not even sure if yolks are good so I’m just eating egg whites, and IF I’m wrong than I’ve just been wasting a lot of fucking eggs. The reason for my confusion is societies idea of healthy eating, extremists ideas of nutrition, and what the fuck nutrient rich, healthy eating really fucking is. Have you taken a walk into the diet isle at Barnes & Noble lately? Omg, a fucking mind EXPLOSION, because it’s not just mind blowing, like my brain errupts into a million fucking pieces because WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK; “The Mediterranean Diet”, “The Hormone Diet”, “The Dash Diet”, “The Abs Diet”!?!!?!?!?!?!!? And let me just set this record straight because it frankly pisses me off. I’m not on a diet. I’m not looking for some quick, stupid, lieing, food plan that promises to make me MIRACULOUSLY skinny but really just makes me angrier and depressed and stressed and NOT skinny at all. I’m searching for an all around healthy way of life. Eating- being something we spend about 60%?? of our days doing, is a major part of that healthy lifestyle So NO, when I pass up your idea of happiness in cookie form- don’t snarkily reply. “Oh ya your on a diet” because no I’m not. I’m not lieing to my body in hopes of getting the ideal socialized body. I prefer to eat clean because I like waking up in the morning and not feel the excess amount of body fat grasping for dear life to my hips, or having WW3 going ape shit in my digestive tract because of that cookie I so desperately needed. And not to mention, eating clean allows food to be digested more easily and therefore more energy goes into my workouts. I feel like I’ve side-tracked a bit, but I’m not sorry in the least. Not too long ago I was being criticized for my eating habits, and the amount of water I drink (well get to that in a minute). But yes CRITICIZED for eating healthy…..? I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was 1996 and I was in my grandmother’s kitchen being force fed a fourth dish of lasagna. 

I drink, well I determine to drink half my body weight (in OUNCES) of water a day. Does that make me run to the bathroom every 5 damn seconds? Yes. Does that also make me sometimes feeling like I’m constantly wearing a too small inflatable pool float around my waist? Yes, sometimes. BUT it replenishes my body, rejuvenates my skin, and kicks stupid food addictions, LIKE sugar, to the curb….. sometimes. 

I’m human, you’re human, we’re all human… unless were not. So I’d be lieing if I didn’t mess up every now and then, and then again. 

Back to my nutrition confusion. For valentines day, my lovey-dovey did what any girl dreams, gives her the okay to roam free and wild throughout any store, and he would buy whatever I wanted. Well, I dragged him into Barnes and Noble, and as I ventured into the “Diet” section, I was enticed by a precious gem deemed, “Skinny Bitch”. I loved it, the authors speak to you in the same manner my conscience addresses its weaker self; hard- core Jillian Micheal’s blunt, brute, and bitchy drill sergeant style. However, it was also a rude awakening to what I was putting into my body. When you actually stop before shoving a McDonalds burger into your mouth and think where on heavens earth did this thing come from, the answer will nauseated, disgust, and mortify you. Factory farm animals are not only severely abused but injected with antibiotics and growth hormones which travel through their bloodstreams, into their milk supplies, and nestle inside of their meat, which you EAT. Mmmmmm. After having completed reading this book I couldn’t eat anything but veggies and then opted to partake in a juice cleanse to purify my body of the toxins it was ingesting. The book promotes veganism and it just stressed me out to think about, not eating ANYTHING but fruits and veggies, and legumes- which can be disputed by some nutritionists, and UGH its just exhausting. I wasn’t completely sold on what the book was selling. Granted, some of the meat being served the American civilization is less than acceptable but not ALL animals products are results of abuse, torment, and science experiments, and as an athlete I know to appreciate my protein sources.

Another “diet” for lack of a better word, that I have been curious about is Paleo. It’s what all the cross fitters are into and have you seen their bodies!!!?!? It must work then! The Paleo concept is that you don’t eat anything that our ancestors wouldn’t have eaten 2,000 years ago, caveman style. Why? Because caveman and women were fit, active, and healthy individuals with less diseases, injuries, mental illness and EXCUSES. It makes perfect sense to me. Only reason I havent 100% hopped on the bandwagon is because I have yet to understand all its regimens in their entirety. (On my to do list). And I know I’ve probably lost some if not ALL of you but theres a point to all this gibberish. For about a good month now I have been eating clean, and healthy to my knowledge, and I’ve been feeling great! Mentally and physically. Until one day this week, without knowing it I had only drank water and green tea without any supplemental foods. I was halfway through my work shift when I began to feel cold sweats, exhausted, and light headed. I turned to my knight in shining armor for help and he delivered- with an ice coffee from dunkin- loaded with refined sugar and yummy Irish cream and a nice warm greasy sausage and egg croissantwich. I know he meant well and I love hiim for it, but it was every food item I had been steering clear of for a month now. However, he went out of his way to bring it to me to make me happy and I felt obligated to eat and enjoy it. I took my break, scoffed down the sandwich and drank the ice coffee, and when my 15 minutes was up, I headed back to my dark and fiery dungeon of stone pies feeling nauseous and pummeled with back pain. WTH!? I felt like I was going to shit my pants if I walked to fast. I honestly can’t pin point why my body decided to maliciously turn against itself but I’m blaming it on the cream, the cheese, and the bread. That sounds about right and I’m steering clear of the lot of them!

I don’t claim to know everything, I don’t know how many calories are acceptable for which types of food and not for others, I don’t know why my arms will not cooperate and just lift me above the damn pull up bars, I don’t know why New England thinks its fun to blizzard one minute and have a heat wave the next, and I have absolutely no clue why my daughter refuses to let me put her hair up. But I’m curious, I want to learn, I try my best to do whats right for me, my body, my daughter and boyfriend, and my life. I might damn well be the most ambitious person to ever walk this earth and it can be the most frustrating thing in the world. I live and love with a passion and expectation so great that I’m often left disappointed but that’s my mistake. I just want everyone to stop being so lazy, so unmotivated and AFRAID. I’ve been that person BELIEVE ME. I was so afraid I failed two semesters of college because of it. I’ve been that girl too intimidated to venture over to the free weights section, too self conscious and nervous about what the huge manly  muscle heads would think of me, when in fact if you look around, half  those guys are doing excercises wrong and youll never see them do a minute of cardio ! Is your fat just going to evaporate because your lifting heavy weights that will make your muscles bigger? Sorry but no. 

I dont know who this person is that I’m becoming, but I like her. I LOVE her actually. I fought the cruelest battle of my life single handedly and I am SO fucking proud of that. My boyfriend keeps telling me that fitness is the one thing he’s actually seen me so serious about and its because it saved the fuck out of my life. Ask me a year ago if I liked who I was, anything about myself and I’d say nothing. Absolutely nothing about my personal self. I hated life. Hated my jobs. Had no friends- well I still don’t but that’s besides the point. I am glad where I’m at in life, and although my body isnt yet where I want it to be, I’m nor worried because I know it will be. My favorite thing in the world is crossing things off, and getting the body of my dreams is just around the corner!! 

IM OFF THIS BITCH.

I remember my mindset the summer before I became a freshman in highschool. I knew what was required of me to make varsity soccer and I DREADED it. I could hardly make it around my block once. I used to be so afraid of cardio and running and LOOK AT ME NOW. Running 4 miles in 20 degree whether and actually LOVING IT. I’m happily anticipating my next run and seeing how hard I can push my limits. For the first time in a while I am proud of myself. 

So far this semester I’ve been doing exceptionally well keeping up with my classes, ATTENDING them, and getting the homework done, on time whilst working 21 hours a week, planning a huge tea party birthday party for Autumn and all the while being  positive and happy. Yea I’ve had my slip ups but all in all I’m doing really well. (:

Rolling over in the middle of the night and seeing you up killing zombies. 

Our arguments over what to eat.

How we each put on a mini strip show after a shower when all we’re wearing is a towel. 

Our late night runs to Big Y. 

When your still asleep in the morning but you still make the effort to kiss me back. 

When we drank and played videos games all night.

What I miss the most is the talking. Two years ago when we would stay up til 6 in the morning just talking, then we’d both pass the fuck out til I woke up an hr later. 

I just miss being with you.